Forgiveness: What, Why, When, and How
Sometimes it seems like half of my job is finding resources and getting them in people’s hands. I recently came across a 10 page teaching on forgiveness by Tim Keller in his Romans study and found it too helpful not to share. I’ll give you some important takeaways below. If you find these points helpful, I’d highly encourage you to download and work through it on your own (see the link at the bottom).
1. Forgiveness means canceling a debt and paying it yourself (this definition of forgiveness gives us a beautiful glimpse of the Cross):
“When someone has wronged you, it means they owe you, they have a debt with you. Forgiveness is to absorb the cost of the debt yourself. You pay the price yourself, and you refuse to exact the price out of the person in any way. Forgiveness is to, a) free the person from penalty for a sin by, b) paying the price yourself.”
2. Sometimes we should “cover” sin without mentioning it. However, if the offense meets one of two conditions, confrontation is probably wise:
“When the sin is serious enough to rupture the relationship. Matt.18:15 indicates that the purpose of such a rebuke is to “win your brother”. i.e. the maintenance of the relationship.”
“When the sin is part of a pattern of behavior for the other person. (Galatians 6:1 - “if…caught in a trespass, you who are spiritual should restore”). A sin pattern is a habitual cast of characters which will in the end be harmful. In love it should be pointed out.”
3. What forgiveness is not (here are two of his seven examples):
“Forgiveness is not a denial. Some people think that forgiveness means we create an excuse that we know is not exactly true. Or that forgiveness is simply denying that one is really hurt or that we have lost anything. No, forgiveness is not pretending a sin is not a sin. It is not denial or pretense that it did not happen. In fact, forgiveness starts by making a full measure of the debt and the cost. The price cannot be paid unless it is reckoned.”
“Forgiveness is not the same as re-trusting. Until a person shows evidence of true change, we should not trust the person. To immediately re-trust a person with sinful habits could actually be enabling him or her to sin. Trust must be restored, and the speed at which this occurs depends on the repentance of the offender.”
4. Forgiveness begins as a promise before it ever becomes a feeling:
“Before we can even proceed, we need to realize that forgiveness is granted (often for a long time) before it is felt. Forgiveness is granted first, and felt later (Luke 17:3-10). Forgiveness is not primarily a feeling, but a set of actions and disciplines. In summary, forgiveness is a promise not to exact the price of the sin from the person who wronged you. This promise means a repeated set of “payment” in which you relinquish revenge. It is hard and (for a while) constant. If this promise is kept actively, eventually the feeling of anger subsides.”
5. Concrete examples of forgiveness, such as this story:
Once upon a time, I was engaged to a young woman who changed her mind. I forgave her… but [only] in small sums over a year… [They were made] whenever I spoke to her and refrained from rehashing the past, whenever I renounced jealousy and self-pity, whenever [I saw her] with another man, whenever I praised her to others when I wanted to slice away at her reputation. Those were the payments — but she never saw them. And her own payment were unseen by me… but I do know that she forgave me… [Forgiveness] is more than a matter of refusing to hate someone. It is also a matter of choosing to demonstrate love and acceptance to the offender… Pain is the consequence of sin; there is no easy way to deal with it. Wood, nails and pain are the currency of forgiveness, the love that heals” (from Dan Hamilton’s Forgiveness).
6. The gospel’s power to help us forgive:
“The Bible is explicit in telling us to forgive as God in Christ forgave you (Eph. 4:32). And it is impossible to do forgiveness without continually melting the heart with a knowledge of the gospel.”
7. Overview of steps for conflict resolution:
(See the appendix of the article)
If you’d like to work through the study yourself, you can download it here. Note: this is only a brief overview of forgiveness. For a more in-depth study, here is an article from the Journal of Biblical Counseling, as well as Keller’s book on forgiveness.
David
